personal logbook turn back?
.... you are a curious critter.
suffering from sickness and stress 0208
for almost two weeks now i've been suffering from a cold and the worst sore throat i've ever had- which i more or less realised today as it finally starts to lessen was probably the 'razor throat' variant of covid-19, and not solely my gross vaping habit taking a toll on my body. it's been hard to swallow anything and i just feel tired and shitty all the time, in part because the cold meds make me feel out of it and the rest of the time due to the immense pressure of my future looming over me. because my throat gets so sore, i always wake up every day around 4 or 5 in the morning needing to take another dose; and during this time waiting to get comfortable enough to fall asleep again i am tormented by anxiety about what is to come for me. what is most difficult is the fact that i cannot take any action to directly influence my future at this time (like moving right now instead of leaving it until may). so i'm just trying to approach my fears by grounding in the real truth that what i want so badly will happen for me one day regardless of the setbacks i've experienced. i understand that i do not have an absolute view of the future, only an approximation of what i want to achieve. what i do know absolutely is that my conviction is not wavering, my efforts are not fruitless, and that everything i've endured up until now has made me strong enough to get through this time. i will get through this!!!my prophetic nightmare came true 0129
as if life could not get any worse!!!!two weeks ago before i took my first stability quiz, i had a nightmare and hardly slept. i dreamed that, due to an unforeseen tragedy in my landlord's life, she called me and told me i needed to find a new place to live. i had to hurry home on the weekend and move all my possessions into storage, and then i had to balance finishing stability with finding a new place to live. it felt so real to me that i woke up shaking and feeling sick, and i couldn't get back to sleep for the rest of the night. so today when i got a text from my landlord asking when i was free to talk on the phone, my heart sank.
it came true. it was almost exactly like i dreamed it. so now i have until may to find a new place to live. my reward for all my hard work and diligence towards my ticket? pity for me. and that pity extended my stay until may. after being away until march, spending april studying for orals and tying up loose ends like my marine medical permit (which may or may not be issued depending on how bad my eyesight is), i get to go "home" to pack all my things and find a new place. that's just how life is i suppose. i'm resisting the urge to catastrophize it all. it's just sad, deeply sad. i don't want to be pitied but i crave sympathy; i don't deserve this hardship but have no choice except to endure with the hope it will get better, as it always does. it's just so hard to always be doing everything by myself. part of me just wants to put all of my belongings into a storage unit and just go on a trip, a long trip somewhere where i don't have to be so responsible for everything in my life. my head hurts. i'm sick. my stability midterm is tomorrow.
true equilibrium 0123
things are better this week after so much throwing me off before now. the difficulty curve for ship stability is starting to drop off and i feel like i understand at least enough to get by at my level. what has been hard has been accepting my frustration and moving past it without allowing it to manifest in my actions and through my relationships (as in undue hostility and curtness). i feel upset when i'm really busy and my friends reach out to me in ways and about things that give me the impression that they don't listen to me or respect my time, even when the intention behind reaching out is innocent and they aren't actively trying to frustrate me or waste my time. it is as easy as just using my words to express my feelings, which is to say sometimes it feels like an impassable blockade and othertimes feels effortless. i wish that i could do everything in life without any effort, even if it would leave me weak and unprepared for hardship. on my class breaks i've been reading a little bit from notes from underground, so i find i now have more of an appreciation for life by thinking "at least i'm not as miserable as this guy!"'if i were a tree among trees, a cat among animals, this life would have meaning, or rather this problem would not arise, for i should belong to this world.'
hardship is okay even if its hard 0117
todays psych session was really hard on me. but despite how heavy it was, i came away feeling a sense of great empowerment in my struggles and the revelations revealed by the journey through hardship. it is okay to feel overwhelmed because it is proof that i still have the same feelings, memories and core which bring me pain and pleasure together. many of my most troublesome behaviors have been taught to me by others and are not innate. i am reminded that i have free agency in my life and do not have to resign myself to a fate which seems insurmountable only because it is my duty. so long as i am alive i have the ability to choose a path for myself.
my stress level over the last two months has probably been the highest bodily stress i have endured since my childhood, from back when i was unable to regulate my emotions. the fallout of this is that each new problem has been making me panic more and more and is triggering my CPTSD in a way which is increasingly more difficult to handle. two weeks ago i was trembling over my arrangements for school, last week over my misplaeed marine emergency licenses, and this week i was shaking with fear during a regular in-class quiz. it's hard because my mind is able to understand and diffuse the situation, but my body acts in a way that i can't control and must instead work around. i want to get better to improve my quality of life, not just so i can work hard and die eventually to be remembered as a hardworking person. i have picked up meditatative and breathing techniques again to help manage, and i talk to my friends about my worries when i can; though when it comes to other people i know and care about it becomes almost impossible to communicate my pain. i know that my feelings do not necessarily represent reality, but when i have to seek council from my friends i get this overwhelming perverse sense that everything is steeped in artifice and that the only reason people listen to me expose about my problems is because they are waiting for their turn to speak about their own, and thus we are merely exchanging information rather than connecting to each other. what a load of bullshit!!!! like, obviously that is not the case- but these feelings are still strong enough to stop me in my tracks and clamp a hand around my throat. how can i bring the world to a standstill just to talk about myself when everyone around me is suffering in some way too? i guess that is why i feel such a strong pull to overshare in my blogs (and historically, through my private twitter too before i had to pull the plug...) because it calls attention to me in a subtle way, but a way which also negatively affects me by giving a false impression that nobody cares (like the expression about the person drowning in the ocean and waving for help, but the people on the shore misunderstand and just wave back instead of coming to save them because they misunderstand, or rather because both groups misunderstand each other). i can only speak freely when there is a degree of seperation between myself and what express. i am going to delete this little appendage in a bit, so, like all my worst problems it too is temporary. the thought of everything displaying in the preview thumbnail made me feel nauseous and that is why i created a little censor to mask it. infact, the thought that anyone would read this and percieve me as anything other than a character being played by myself is nauseating, which is sort of funny given my apprehension about speaking freely with my loved ones for fear of that very perception i now ask for. like the act of posting a blog entry rather than messaging a friend for council, it seems like everything in my life is done as a roundabout way of achieving another specific result. i am profoundly human and authentic, even if i consciously try to suppress this image of myself.
i hate ship stability 0114
the title says it all... i was infact not prepared for stability because i didnt expect algebra to make up such a large part of the curriculum but i've been giving my all since the course began last week and... i will definately get through this, but i have to swallow my stubbornness and relinquish myself completely to the grind until i feel like i have a solid understanding of the material. i know not to beat myself up over not having a firm understanding because we're less than 2 weeks into an 8 week program and have covered half the material already... but it also doesn't feel very good to be treading water. i knew it was hard and was one of the hardest courses second to celestial nav but it is humbling me. multiple full page calculations just for single questions -_- right now what sucks the most is the lack of time i have. 8 hours of class every day. 1 hour at the gym (for health and wellbeing and meditative solitude). 1 hour cooking dinner on odd nights. 2 to 3 hours of homework and amendments to notes. and then i go to bed to start over again the next day. what a life!around this time of year i seem to always be pulled back towards camus' 'myth of sisyphus' because i believe that he understood how it feels to be swallowed by life's mundanity and i feel swallowed up by the absurdity of everything and the human condition and all that sort of mighty struggle i can't speak of without seeming like a small man (or an annoying person... tbh). it's not that i necessarily struggle with the concept of life and its meaning but it empowers me to read his essay and feel a sense of nobility in the day to day life, even when the reality of it seems small and impactless. it means something to me to work hard even when my goal seems fruitless or unachievable. so i will keep doing my best and being kind and forgiving to myself and others!!
i thought it would be worse to be roommates with my class/shipmate who i'm not super close with but it's actually been really fun having company around, especially someone going through the same challenges as me. maybe i don't need to be alone to feel at ease, i just need to be around people who respect my way of living.
new years 1231
today was the day that i flew home from the north to enjoy my final weekend at home before my stability course begins except... over and over all day my flight home keeps being pushed further back by cumulative delays and bad weather. what are the odds that again when i want nothing more than to be back in the comfort of my own home i experience the same conditions that i went through leaving work almost 2 weeks earlier? just very unlucky. there is a very real possibility i might just ring in the new year here at the airport and for all my wishing i can't change a thing. life just seems to work out like this sometimes. the closer midnight gets the more appealing a $16 beer sounds.... just kidding.the holidays for me were spent with my parents in my rural northern hometown, where it was freezing at -20 and snowed right up until christmas. this time of year is always pretty hard on me because of the natural tendency to overreflect upon the year as it comes to a close. i know i'm not the only person who goes through these motions but it doesn't make them any more managable. being back with my parents makes me nostalgic for my childhood and in turn this makes my stomach turn with awareness at the passage of time and distance between my childhood and the life i live now. anyways. it is also hard to accept myself as autistic when so much about my neurodivergent identity clashes with the idealized version of the holiday season that is plastered everywhere this time of year; i struggle to come to terms with my own boundaries and fall into a cycle of deep guilt at being the way i have always been even when the people who matter in my life know and accept me as i am. i guess what i'm trying to convey is that i went through a lot of internal reflection during the holiday break and wrote a lot of heartfelt things in my diary and planner, and came away better for all the effort. i feel like i can trust my own judgement because i've proven myself to be worthy.
and on the topic of the reminiscing... 2025 was honestly a pretty good year for me. i was able to get a lot of work done on my ticket progression and i feel really accomplished for all the effort, but i've honestly focused so much on my career that coming into the new year it's my plan to prioritize my real life more than my work life even if they are not so distinct from one another. in the perfect idealized vision for 2026... i would like to get both my watchkeeping AND driver's licenses this year. i want to look into a vacation worthy of all the toiling i did in school, wherever in the world that takes me. the word that sums up my approach to the new year is 'relinquish' because i would like to release myself from the cycle of self-imposed order and law and let myself drift as if floating down the river; hand in hand with this desire i also want to relinquish myself to my friends more and trust in them even when it is terrifies me to put my faith into anyone other than myself (the known and familiar). on the minor side of things, i also want to continue journalling and using my planner regularily because it made me feel accomplished to get to the final few pages in my 2025 planner. idkkkkkkkkk how to close this out so let me claim to put a pin in it until i'm in a more clear state of mind. the new year is scaring me but i'm excited by the adrenaline of facing a new challenge.
sunset in my hometown
the sixteen day shift 1215
it's been a few days since getting home from the shift and i still feel off, like i'm still in a working state of mind where i'm devoid of all desires and every day centers around the completion of set tasks. my sleep schedule isn't helping; i worked nights and now my rhythm is just completely off, leaving me alone in the wee hours with my petty worries. when i think back on the shift everything seems really unremarkable, overshadowed by the drama at the end when our flight home was delayed, but at the same time i can't say it was unpleasant in the slightest. it was good to spend time with a lot of people i haven't worked with in a while, but i also feel like i've created this kind of unnecessary pressure on myself by sharing when i plan to finish and have my ticket even knowing there can be setbacks. there were times when i felt so stressed about the next few months that i desperately crawled back to my twitter to moan about my life as if anyone would sympathize with about how hard my life was due to the situations i willingly put myself in. when the 15th day of the shift came around, i felt extremely frustrated and bitter about having to work for overtime; but by the time the 16th day rolled around i realised there was no real difference in my life whether i had to work more overtime or go home to rest for a handful of days, and i guess this state of mind is just lingering around me while i'm at the house. anyway, in more positive news.... i've been drawing a lot more and enjoying it. now that the end of the year is drawing closer i can really appreciate how my creative endeavors have been beneficial towards me over the course of the year alone. i haven't written much in my physical journal and instead spread my journalling habits across this blog, my planner, my scrapbook and my artwork. it's like... all my actions feel journalistic in nature because i go about them authentically and faithfully as originally intended by the habit.i want to touch briefly on the things bothering me the most. my current worries are: that i will have difficulty getting my marine medical certification because of my poor eyesight, that this will delay my oral examinations, and that delaying my ticket even just a few months will set me even further back from achieving a more favorable position onboard (it's complicated. becoming a regular watch deckhand feels like a sunk cost fallacy). i'm also worried about: my seatime coming up short under scrutiny (i can't elaborate on this in a way anyone will understand), about the bnb i booked to stay at during my course being uncomfortable or falsely advertised (in 2023 i stayed in an airbnb for a course and got really sick while it was overtaken by mold), and about when i can slot other high priority tasks into my life before i forget about them and lose track of time. i guess what i'm mostly caught up in is the anticipation of hardship in the event that my perfect scenario fails to unfold.
anyways... until the end of march i'll be away from my desktop and living a half-nomadic lifestyle again. it's honestly really irritating but nothing can be done about it and i just have to adapt to the circumstances being served to me. could be much worse than i make it out to be. i'll make a formal post about it later, but i picked out a custom domain i really vibe with and whenever i have the free time and drive to make the necessary edits to facillitate the changes i'll move everything over :P probably not until after the new year.
i brought konoe up with me because i needed his support to get through the shift. he appears to glow because he is my guiding light in trying times
neurotic mood 1126
lately i've been feeling exceeedingly anxious and overwhelmed with emotion. i'm trying to be more allowing with myself, but it doesn't make it any easier to navigate uncertainty. feeling attached to my home comfort and therefore feeling a little sad that i have to leave today to join the ship, but acknowledging also that i need my environment cycled again to take to a fresh mindset unaffected by the atmosphere around the house. i'm exceptionally tender in the heart lately, but it's also made me solitary.toiling at my hobbies to diminish my worries 1121
i wanted to do so much more with my time off, but i don't know what happened... the days just passed by anyways. i've been at home for the past three weeks just drawing, listening to music, playing games on my phone and trying to focus on anything else other than my own life. there are just a lot of things coming up in the new year that are making me feel anxious... and it's hard because i just have to have the fortitude to conquer these feelings and endure the pain until it passes by. i've been feeling so stubborn and it's hard to negotiate with myself to get things done when i am like this. it's not even really that i have a lot to do... i have to book flights, accomodations for my course, dental and eye exams, and then i have to recalculate my seatime so i can make a timeline for the new year with more things to do then. and all of this can be done in a day... but i just never have the energy for it, even if i have tenfold the energy to do everything else i want do do instead. so basically what i'm saying is we need to find a way to harness this new source of limitless energy so that we can put it to better use.
ft. graffiti at the bus stop
firefighting on my birthday 1021
though i purposefully did not bring my laptop with me so that i would work on other projects i reallyyy wish that i did. i've been playing a lot of mahjong on my phone and trying to draw different things. my birthday was on the weekend and i had dinner with my friend and went to a few secondhand stores. i made out with a huge haul of cds- my coworker gave me 20 old cds of his and when i went to the secondhand cd store i also found a brand new copy of scissor sister's "magic hour" (my least favorite album of theirs but still beloved) which put a big smile on my face. i also went to the used bookstore and picked up a book about oceanography of coastal british columbia that turned out to have fantastic meteorology resources for myself and my peers, so i'm really stoked about being able to pick up a physical copy to add to my resource library. my week of marine emergency refreshers beat me up but it was so nice to do my course with some of my shipmates. i think that these periods in which i go offline and focus on only my RL life and relationships are really good for me because it keeps me from overthinking every detail and helps me realise that i am relatively well-adjusted (contrary to what my mental demons would have me think). this week we're doing advanced firefighting and i'm not at all excited to crawl around on my hands and knees all day hauling hoses and turnout gear around the horrible mock ship- but we do what we have to do to get by. i miss having time at home and time i can spend with my friends but i will make up for it all next week. i'm trying to make a plan for the new year and it seems like the best course of action for my 3 months of school is to split an airbnb between myself and at least one or two other coworkers- i'm not excited to have to be roommates with people i work with, even though i know it won't be the end of the world when my sense of comfort is encroached upon. the last time i stayed in an airbnb for school i aired on the cheap side and ended up getting sick from mold (never get an airbnb on cambie in vancouver!!!! the mold made me so obsessed with BL not even joking) so i'm ready to just be uncomfortable sharing a small space with roommates for a short time. i guess all that i can say for now is i'm excited for when i'll finally be back home and can play games again because i was really enjoying dragon's dogma and vintage story. until then....idling the days away / the rush begins 1009
now that the summer season has come to an end my life takes a more leisurely turn... i've just been sitting around the house drawing, brainstorming, watching streams and enjoying the comforts of home life. the days seem to blur together into one unintelligible mass, except for one outstanding morning where i (irrationally scared of driving) drove for the first time in 8 years 0_0in a week i'll be turning 26, but my birthday is right in the middle of my firefighting courses, meaning that i'll be kind of just be by myself in the next city over when the day rolls around. before coming home for the weekend, i met up with some coworkers also involved in the watchkeeping program and we all did a first aid course (that reaffirmed my choices to never be a first aid attendant) together. this next time we meet up to take firefighting will be the last time i see some of them, so its a little bittersweet, but at the same time i guess i feel a bit of relief because i don't really have anything non-academic in common with any of them and always feel out of place, even if they're kind to me and we always go out for beers during the IRL portions of our courses. i'm really trying my best to not sweat social situations but it's hard to figure out some dynamics and avoid faux pas, and whenever i hang out with people i'm unfamiliar with, it's all my attention can focus onto. looking back on it, i guess all of my relationships with my coworkers feel strained because i don't spend that much time around people who arent friends or complete strangers, and that ambiguous territory makes it hard to judge how to act or present myself. anyways, i'll be busy and away from home a bit while longer and that makes me feel a little sad, because i've been enjoying my time at home doing nothing of value.
my birthday presents came in a little bit early... i found a listing for the entire metal charm collection + lamento expiatio + the konoe plush charm and the rest is history. goodbye $200... helloooooo piece of plastic!!!!
hard times create strong men 0918
i didn't expect to get so much done over the shift- but here i am, enjoying my new house and my new furniture (my new layouts and fresh stylesheets). it was actually a lot of fun to have a project to focus my attention onto while at work, even if it took up a LOT of my time. every day after my 12-hour shift, i would clock in and work for about 2 hours with just my laptop, cellphone, and the ship's 20kbps wifi, in addition to chipping away for a few hours during the day wherever i could spare the time- but for all the effort, the work just felt effortless and rewarding. the shift was pretty uneventful (aside from the start, when our plane was delayed for a day by weather and we all got to get paid and be home an extra night) and after this, it's back to school in october for a bit of firefighting and first aid certification. thinking about my arrangements for my last major courses in the new year was really stressing me out, so it was great to have other stuff that i could divert my attention towards. i also kept having nightmares onboard and certain people reaching out to me made me feel like i was being emotionally manipulated- so i think a desire to escape from these problems also drove me to work extra hard LOL. and what a reward it is to have taken care of something that has been bugging me for a while!! i'm not totally finished either, but all my majors are complete and, all things considered, the last bit of renovations i need to do are pretty quick fixes that i need to be on my desktop to take care of. i can't wait to finally be home and back in my own bed, even if i know that i'll miss the boat for all the months i'll be away. some things in my RL life are bugging me- but right now i'm just excited to have time to hang out with my friends again.feelings about the site and new plans 0903
i am a person who is never satisfied for long and must continually create tasks and enrichment for myself, lest my life become too peaceful or my stress too managable. the current state of my website has bothered me for a really long time, but for many reasons (most of all my fickle tastes) i've been unable to put my finger on exactly what needs to change and how to accomplish that. after settling my move i finally felt like i had time for my personal projects again; and breaking into a fresh notebook i started to take notes on my vision for 'sanji 2.0'.what has bothered and sometimes upset me the most about my site is my transparency and the idea of 'myself' that is portrayed here, and how that differs from how i would like to present that idea of the 'self' here in the space i created specifically for that goal. is it wrong to overshare, knowing what sharing information actually means? no.. but at the same time, what does it mean for something to be 'right' or 'wrong'? i think it is more that there is a convergence between my 'real self' and my 'identity' and there is a lot of discomfort that is caused by the two sides- which have always been kept seperated- fusing together. i am an adult; i can think for myself and form my own opinions; that my mood changes every day is a natural thing; other people's actions and behaviors are independant of my own actions and behaviors and there is no real need to follow or mimic their ways; the exploration and expression of the self is like a river flowing into a lake, evaporating into vapour, and then condensing as raindrops to begin the cycle again.
is a project like this ever really finished? i originally started work on the site because my time on social media left me feeling jealous, paranoid, anxious, envious, judgemental, bitter..... the list goes on. logging into my old neocities to reclaim the 'sanji' username, even if it contrasted the brand i present here (my seaman's pride and identity), was an action which reunited my adult life with my teenage life; i am reminded not of my adult world (work, money, social frustrations, stress, the harsh truth of aging, the passage of time) but of my childhood world (naïveté without risk or pain, fond memories of fictionkin identity and internet friendships, the freedom to create before my ability to imagine atrophied, acts based on feelings before logic). 2022-2023 were painful years where i felt very alone and i just sat around getting high and drinking and escaping into fantasy all the time- but i was never able to tell anyone about these issues because i felt that if i opened up to others in my life i was going to be made fun of, screenshotted, talked over, and made to feel that i was not living an original experience. i was lonely and feeling left behind; i lived through my worst nightmares of being forgotten and irrelevant. even when my friends were there to support me it was terrifying the way everything had changed- and because of my substance use habits i feared that everyone had just about had enough of my antics and at any time i was due to be cast away again. walking on eggshells every day. when left to my own devices i was unable to stop myself from taking the easy path to happiness. my job anchored me because i needed my reality to be my sanctuary when my safe space had become so hostile to me- not to mention that it forced sobriety on me and that saved me from further hardships. in 2023 i decided that i wanted to be a watchkeeping officer, and i started taking my first courses and working on myself so that i could grow into a fine 'officer of the watch'. school is stressful, so the feeling of escaping into a hobby welcomes me with open arms. in 2024 i started to use neocities- and suddenly my eyes were opened to a community of thinking, feeling, worrying, nonjudgemental, unique individuals.
and ultimately i would be lying if i said that posting on neocities alleviates all of the worries that i felt when i was using twitter, tumblr, or even just talking to other people. even now i worry that i'm saying too much, that my humanity is performative, and that it's egotistical to write so much about my personal life. am i a person, or a character? am i playing a role, or living authentically? how do i express what cannot be said, yet remain impersonal? is it cringe to find yourself? am i doing now what others have been doing all their lives? am i crazy for being different, or am i crazy for thinking that i am distinct at all? is the only way to be satisfied with my image to live in shame and secrecy? it is the constant ebb and flow of questions like these which hold me back.
so... what does any of this have to do with the site direction? to come back to the original point- change begets change. it's my website so i can do whatever i want to. what does it matter to be detestable, cringe, indelicate, stubborn, egotistical, sensitive... when i am fufilled by myself? i'm unhappy with my kingdom so i'm rebuilding it from the bottom up with a clearer vision this time. LFG for new projects!!!!
moving... completed!!! 0824
all the moments of calm, the islands of peace whose magic i felt, i leave behind in the enchanted distance. nor do i ask to ever set foot there again.
so after that looooong period of anticipation and lead up, which was undoubtably the worst part of the whole experience- i'm moved into my new place! the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i am able to look back on the experience as a storm long past. driving down was a 2 day affair, but once we got to vancouver island it was beautiful the whole way; on the north part of the island the trees are trimmed right to the road and dramatically frame the highway, while the southern and more developed parts offer beautiful seaside glimpses. my dad travelled down with me to help me move and because of that we've been able to make a lot of special memories together. i've only lived in the city for brief periods and this will be the first time i've ever fully moved to such an urban area. since i had never seen the rental nor met the owners in person, there was a lot of anxiety on my part to make sure things weren't too good to be true, but luckily everything seems to be really great, and to such a drastic degree that i can now reflect on my previous period of exile.
world of watercolor painting 0817
one of the items i brought to the ship along with my usual things was a cheap watercolor paint set, with lots of colors. recently i had done one small watercolor painting and taped it into my planner, which really brightened up the book and made me enjoy writing in it more often. so... during my breaks onshift, i ended up doing 15 little paintings, more or less daily. it was peaceful for many reasons; i was reclaiming time spent at work for myself; it made me more aware and appreciative of the fjords and the way the scenery changed day by day; and it brightened up my white-walled cabin with soothing green and blue colors.
lead up to work and the move 0806
my life has been thrown out of pattern by packing and getting ready to leave. i haven't had internet and i'm just getting by using my phone as a hotspot, which obviously isnt the end of the world, but it's just another thing irritating me on top of everything else irritating me in life. i was feeling so deeply guilty about the number of things i own and don't use, but i donated a ton of food and toys and workwear and that helped to ease the pain a little. i've definately just been suffering under this immense sense of moral guilt for overconsumptiveness even when i understand that i own a normal amount of possessions. other than that, i've really just been feeling at the mercy of life and have given into myself, understanding that this is a temporary time. the many different plans in motion are making me feel anxious but i can manage it.later today, i'll leave for work and i'm honestly super excited to have a break and a change of pace. over the shift there are a couple of general familiarization things i'd like to knock off, and then other than that i'm free to listen to music, draw, and read onboard. i've been staying away from my phone a lot EXCEPT to play umamusume because now is a time when i need a mobile game to obsess over more than anything.
whalewatching 0726
day shift meant being underway all day, and being underway all day meant lots of opportunities to see whales this shift. i saw more than 40 humpback whales this watch, though to be fair most of them are the same few that hang around in specific areas along the route. it's really important to look out for whales at all times, because the narrow channels severely limit maneouvrability and the ship is very large and turns slowly. and also because they're interesting and i want to keep them safe. around the last few days of the watch, we saw this pair of humpback whales breaching and slapping their fins on the surface a ways up the channel; and then when we passed them at a closer distance- it turned out to be an adult and a baby. lots of the crew came up to the bridge to watch them, and i took this (low quality....) video. it makes me so happy to think about whales that play together on a sunny day.in hindsight it wasn't all bad 0716
i'm a week into my shift and it feels like time is going by so slowly... i'm busy enough that i don't have time to play games or draw or read, but not so busy that i'm unable to overthink everything. i wish that i could be more open about what is bothering me, but it crosses the line about what is okay to discuss publically. lately, i've noticed that when i am stressed/upset/angry or otherwise feeling negatively, my thoughts always become focused onto unresolved hurt feelings, and instead of focusing on what had been initially bothering me all of my attention floods into this cycle of feeling hurt, spiteful, regretting everything and then acceptance of it all. i know that this trouble will come to pass, but it takes so much resolve to get through the episodes of doubt, paranoia, and imagined persecution. i understand that even if the worst came to pass i would be able to make it out okay, but it doesn't stop be from being scared about it happening. anyone else in my position would have done the same things, but it doesn't stop me from trying to come up with all these justifications when just saying 'i feel this way' is more than sufficient. these are some of the things that have been bugging me lately.long-term stressors (moving/nerve pain) exterting force on immediate stressors (mopping up garbage juice onboard every day) exterting force on past stressors (social unease), creating a miserable state of mind.
mood at home 0709
i honestly have just been feeling super low energy for many reasons, and it feels like my days off flew by. i was wrapped up in lots of my personal business and moving arrangements, and haven't felt creatively driven enough to push past my frustration and create any art. there is a lot to look forward to but i am hesitant to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it all when i have so much to do to get there. anyhow, i'm looking forward to having a break at work and catching up on my reading list.work and new prospects 0630
for the past couple of weeks i've just been at work and keeping my head down while life unfolds around me. despite feeling anxious about the shift, it honestly felt really great to be back onboard and to have my rock back in life when i really needed the stability. to keep myself occupied i spent most of my spare time reading and managed to finish the count of monte cristo, which blew me away. i've also made up my mind about where i'm moving and in august i'm going to pick up completely and move to the city. lots of my coworkers live in the city i've picked so i'm feeling really positively about it all. i've really always lived in remote places, so i'm excited about the prospects of living somewhere more developed.needing to move 0608
so after 3 years of living at my current place, my landlord is selling the house and it's finally time to look at other places and move. the rental market in my town is super dire... so i'm wondering if now is the time to pick up and make a move somewhere else, even though i put in all the work to settle down here. i just wish a clear way forward presented itself here and now and without fuss, so that i could have my plans sorted all in that one instant and i wouldn't have to face uncertainty. there's still time to figure out a plan but i am not thrilled by the prospect of repacking and moving again on my days off this summer. all i can do is wait for nowticket timeline and discussing work 0526
in june i have to return to work finally after i haven't been on the boat since october. and there's no ill-will towards my coworkers, but i'm sort of dreading being bugged by them and sort of just want to be left alone. i finally have confirmation about the dates for my remaining big 2 exams so i can prepare for my oral examinations starting in the 2026 new year into the spring season. honestly, i'm trying not to be so absorbed in work or the working mindset until i actually get back onboard the boat, but it feels good to have a clear timeline for my examinations set up now, so that i can use the time i have in the meanwhile to tie up my loose ends. sometimes i feel like i'm a little too absorbed in planning ahead.dental surgery 0519
i had my wisdom teeth removed and spent some time in my hometown. medical stuff doesn't bother me all that much except that i hate to feel weak afterwards, when my body is healing.simulated navigation 0423
the simulator course was much harder than i anticipated it would be and ended up being a very humbling but super informative experience. everything in the course is taught in a traditional way with paper charts and paper plotting, so a lot of labour is performed in this training environment that isn't necessarily done in practice. in order to attend the course i was arranged to live in a hotel and had to fly to the island. i always felt that it would feel a little more glamorous to stay in a hotel for a long time, but after a few days it really stagnates, and i could never get really comfortable. i'm happy that it's over with and i can take a well-deserved and long break in may. i honestly just came away feeling like i was, in fact, prepared and capable of navigating a ship anywhere given the right tools.